Tashlich

This has been running around the Jewish internet, and one of my lay leaders sent it to me as we're doing a simple version of this ritual on Sunday. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd seen in weeks.

On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.

Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown.

Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:

For ordinary sins - White Bread

For erotic sins - French Bread

For particularly dark sins - Pumpernickel

For complex sins - Multi-Grain

For twisted sins - Pretzels

For tasteless sins - Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision - Waffles

For sins committed in haste -Matzoh

For sins of chutzpah - Fresh Bread

For substance abuse - Stoned Wheat

For use of heavy drugs - Poppy Seed

For petty larceny- Stollen

For committing auto theft - Caraway

For timidity/cowardice - Milk Toast

For ill-temperedness - Sourdough

For silliness, eccentricity - Nut Bread

For not giving full value - Shortbread

For jingoism, chauvinism - Yankee Doodles

For excessive irony - Rye Bread

For unnecessary chances - Hero Bread

For telling bad jokes/puns - Corn Bread

For war-mongering - Kaiser Rolls

For dressing immodestly - Tarts

For causing injury to others - Tortes

For lechery and promiscuity - Hot Buns

For promiscuity with gentiles - Hot Cross Buns For racist attitudes - Crackers

For sophisticated racism -Ritz Crackers

For being holier than thou - Bagels

For abrasiveness - Grits

For dropping in without notice - Popovers

For over-eating - Stuffing

For impetuosity - Quick Bread

For indecent photography - Cheesecake

For raising your voice too often - Challah

For pride and egotism - Puff Pastry

For sycophancy, a**-kissing - Brownies

For being overly smothering - Angel Food Cake

For laziness - Any long loaf

For trashing the environment - Dumplings

For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest a Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Taslich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength) at your favorite Jewish bookstore.

UU Jokes

When April Fools Day comes on a Sunday, it's time to haul out the UU jokes. I'm not a big fan of the classic UU jokes (UU's honor the 10 Suggestions, pray "to whom it may concern", and the only time Jesus' name is heard is when the Janitor falls down the stairs, etc.) Those jokes all play off on the notion that this strange outfit that calls itself a religious organization is really a bunch of spiritual idiots. Ha ha. Ho Hum. Old hat.

Here are several of the new style UU jokes we told in church today. Like all jokes, they get their punch line from our foibles. I don't mind us having foibles. I'm just tired of the spiritual idiot foible. So here's a different batch.

Leader: How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist?

CR: I don’t know. How DO you tell a Unitarian Universalist

L: You can’t. They already know it all.

CR: Ok….Have you heard the latest UU miracle?

L: No. What’s the latest UU Miracle?

CR. Somebody saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a Tortilla.

L: That reminds me. Why wouldn’t Mr. Emerson ever let his dentist give him Novocain?

CR. Why not?

L. Emerson wouldn’t let his dentist give him Novocain because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

CR: Ouch. Humm… Ok: What did the UU who was studying Zen ask the Hotdog vendor?

L: I don’t know. What?

CR: Make me one with everything.

L: Ok…so, there were once two old guys talking to each other in a California Diner. One says to the other, “Have you ever delved into the mysteries of Eastern religion? And the other one says “Yes. I was once a Unitarian in Philadelphia.

CR. Have you ever heard UU’s compared to Jalapeno Peppers?

L: no.

CR. One or two gives real spice to a dish, but a whole bunch together will bring tears to your eyes.

Judging by the laughter, they liked Transcending Dental Medication the best. But the biggest laughs went to the last joke, which isn't really a UU joke at all but is apropos of our iMinistry initiatives which involved recording sermons.

It seems that there was a Rabbi who was an extremely good preacher and his people loved to hear him preach on Friday evenings. They wanted him to also preach on Saturday morning. But he wanted to spend Saturday morning at home, in his jammies, with his family. So he got an idea. He would pre-record the sermon, and, since it is not permitted for Jews to turn switches on the sabbath, he would hire a Gentile to push the "on" button at the time of the sermon.

So he did that for several weeks. And that got the folks of his congregation to start thinking that they, too, would prefer to spend Saturday at home in their jammies with their families. And that if they sent tape recorders to the synagogue, they could listen to the rabbi’s sermon at their leisure.

And so the inevitable happened: the day came when the only people in the synagogue were Gentiles with tape recorders.

And that is the first known instance of artificial in-sermonation


Happy April!